My Secret

Any normal girl would have missed a period, gone get a pregnancy test, and figure out if she was pregnant or not. Well, I was not a normal girl. I had been missing my periods a couple months. I started panicking. Then another month went by and it wouldn't happen again so I panicked some more. I wasn't on birth control at the time because other things were more important to buy at the time. I was in college so I would spend my money on food, alcohol, and drugs. The only things that were worth buying to me. So there was only one answer to this was happening, or should I say not happening. I was pregnant. There was no doubt. I didn't want it to be true. I wanted not to believe a human was growing inside me. How could I tell HIM I was pregnant? He already had a temper that was easy to ignite. He had a dark side in him and I did not want to go there. I hated confrontation. I wanted to keep my pregnancy to myself and not let anyone in. I hid for as long as I could because I was terrified and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to upset anyone, especially him. Not even my family or my closest friends. I wanted to see how far I could get away with keeping it a secret. Just like with any pregnancy, the morning sickness came first. Every morning I would be in the bathroom on my knees head first into the porcelain bowl. I rested my head on my arms as they rested on the toilet. Tears fell from my eyes. They dropped into the toilet and the splash of the drop would splash back into my face. I felt miserable and I felt gross. I sat on the cold floor of the bathroom as the morning sickness subsided. I wiped my face, brushed me teeth, and walked out of the bathroom like nothing had happened. I lived in a house with 4 other girls at the time and we all shared a bathroom so finding privacy was sometimes difficult. Luckily my morning sickness came early in the morning, usually around 5 or 6am, and everyone would still be sleeping. I was able to do my thing in peace and no one ever really knew. Then there was the weight gain. I am a very petite person so any weight gain is noticeable on me. At first, I was able to pull of the whole "freshman 15" if anyone made a comment but then it got a little tricky once my tummy popped. Wearing tight shirts would accentuate my stomach so I started wearing a lot of sweatshirts and yoga pants. Yoga pants because those were the only thing that fit over my growing legs and butt. As I got bigger, it was harder to hide. I even went to the extreme of tanning. People always say that if you are tan then you look thinner. So I went to the local tanning bed down at school and signed up. I had to fill out new client paperwork. What's your age? What's your weight? What kind of skin do you have? At the very bottom of the page, the question "Are you pregnant?". I wrote "no". I felt horrible. I felt horrible because I was about to do something that could possibly harm my baby. Tanning beds were dangerous but I didn't care at that point. I just wanted to do anything I could to make me not look pregnant. I went into the room and undressed. Warning signs plastered all over the room saying "DO NOT USE IF PREGNANT". I quickly turned my eyes in the other direction and ignored them. I lathered my body in lotion and got into the bed. I remember that moment oh so vividly. I was in the stand up bed, instead of the normal laying down one, and I looked down at my glowing neon bump that was baking in the lights. I remember sucking in my stomach so hard praying that my belly would somehow miraculously go back in and there would be no bump. But it didn't work. I tried again. Nothing. I tried one more time. Nothing. Still there. Water flooded my eyes. I had 8 minutes left on the time and for those 8 minutes I cried so hard. The sound of the tanning bed machine fans drowned out my moans. 3, 2, 1, the timer was up and the fan shut off and so did my tears. Those 8 minutes were not enough. I wish I could have cried longer. I got out, got dressed, once again wiped my face, and walked out like nothing happen. I hid it for a long time and devilishly I got away with it. It was until one night, which was Ash Wednesday. I will always remember it was Ash Wednesday because I went over to the BD's apartment after getting back from church with a group of friends. I was I standing in the BD's bedroom. He came up from behind me and put his hands around me. His once gentle touch turned into a firm grip holding my tiny bump. His hands started pressing into my stomach, patting all around. He stops. Squeezes my frail shoulders and spins me around. Again, his huge veins creeping out of his temples. "You're pregnant". He shook me. "You're pregnant!", he screamed louder. I didn't respond. I didn't have to. It was clear. He grabbed his car keys and he flew out of the apartment with me in tow. He demanded me to get in his car. He sped all the way to the closest convenient store. Parked and unlocked the door. "Alright, get out", he snatched. He told me to go get a pregnancy test just do he could "see it to believe it". I begged him to come in with me. I was embarrassed to go in alone. I begged and I begged but he wouldn't. I went in alone and bought one. The pregnancy test was obviously positive. I went back to my apartment that night. I didn't want to stay with him. I feared that dark side of him and it was starting to come out. I had to escape. I didn't want to keep arguing. The name calling, the yelling, the pushing, I was getting tired of it. Of him. The only thing that felt good was that the fact that he at least he knew my big secret now and I didn't have to hide it anymore. It was a huge relief. For a moment, I could breathe. For a moment, I felt somewhat alive. The next day I woke up and realized the chaos I had caused. I had to somehow had to make it all go away. I had to get an abortion. It was the quickest way I could make the situation better and to make him happy, so at least I thought. I researched frantically and finally found a clinic back at home in Chicago. The appointment was scheduled a few days out. The BD and I drove that treacherous, three hour drive home that weekend to go to the appointment. That same appointment where the old crabby nurse told me I couldn't get the abortion because I was too far along.