Raindrops

It was a quiet drive all the way to the clinic. My palms so sweaty there was a pool of sweat in my seat. My heart pounding so hard it felt like my body was convulsing. Thoughts going every which way in my mind. I just wanted to get there so badly but it seemed like we were sitting in traffic for hours. I spotted the building as we approached it. I stared as we drove by pulling into the parking lot across the way. I kept thinking of how disturbing of a place it was and what really went on behind those four walls. We parked the car and briskly walked into the building. As I walked in I was less than impressed. For what some individuals go through you would think it would be more inviting. It was dark, dingy, and maybe half of the lights were working in the ceiling. Where was I? Was I safe? I started doubting if this was the right choice. But no. Too chicken. Just get it done, Abi. I was so embarrassed to go check in. What was I supposed to say? "Hi, my name is Abi. I'm here for the 11:00 abortion?" Felt so stupid, so ashamed. I could barely speak as the old lousy woman behind the counter asked me how she could help. In a shaky voice I somehow murmured "My name is Abi." She quickly searched the computer and shot me a quick look and told me to have a seat on the couch and someone would be with me. Great. More waiting. I couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted this thing to be done and over with. Seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours. A door swung open after waiting for what felt like an eternity. "ABI!", she screeched. As I got up, I looked at the birth dad (whom we will call BD), who was nose deep in the magazines they had sitting there on the beaten up coffee table. I was hoping for some sort of reassurance of what I was about to do was going to be okay and that everything was going to be all right. But instead, nothing. Just cold hard silence. I walked through the door behind the nurse who was anxiously waiting for me to start following her. Her shoes squeaked all the way down the scuffed up hallway until we reached the room. Instructed to put on the hospital gown, I stripped down to completely nothing. There I stood, naked, staring at my little, tiny, goose bump infested tummy. I hopped up on to the exam table to wait for the nurse to come back in. I distracted myself by looking around the room at all the tools that were in there hoping that none of them would be used on me. They were intimidating looking. After only a few minutes the door handle turned and in walked the nurse. She was a woman a very few words, mostly just directions for me to follow. She told me that before they do anything they would have to do an ultrasound first just as a precautionary. As I laid back on the exam table, the nurse lifted up my gown only to squeeze freezing cold goo all over my stomach. I could feel the goose bumps grown in number all over my body, from head to toe. The ultrasound wand ran smoothly over my stomach poking in and out, going back and forth, up and down. She looked for only a moment before putting the down the wand. Quietly she walked over and turned the lights on. She came back over with a face full of disappointment. She was blunt with her words and I will never forget them. "You're too far along to do the procedure", she said. I felt my body freeze. I didn't know what to do, what to say, or how to react. But this force came over me and I somehow managed to keep my composure. I graciously got dressed and walked out of the room. The hallway back to the waiting room was terrifying and I dreaded taking each step because I only got close to the door behind which the BD was waiting. I tried prepping myself in how to tell the BD the news. But I couldn't. All I could think about was his reaction. I didn't know what was going to be waiting on the other side of the door. Which side of him was I going to get? I swung open the obnoxiously squeaky door. Not a flinch from the BD. I walked up to him and stood there until he noticed me. Finally he did. I remember him looking at me with shrugged shoulders and arms out asked annoyingly, "Well?". Nervously I whispered that I was too far along. His face turned white. His eyes, big. I could see the veins creeping out of from the sides of his head. His body, stiff. This wasn't going to be good. I didn't say anything else and neither did he. The walk back to the car was silent. He couldn't unlock the car fast enough. Both doors were slammed as we got in. The car was turned on but didn't go anywhere. Instead, we sat there. It had started to rain and the raindrops were beating off the car roof. I watched the raindrops on the window have races with one another to see which one would flutter its way over to the other side of the window faster. Those were the most pure and innocent thoughts I had so far that day and I wished it would have lasted longer because I was somewhat at peace for that brief moment in time. Until the soft sound of Christina Perri's song "A Thousand Years" playing on the radio focused my attention. I listened to every single world of that song that day as we sat in their in utter silence. For some reason it just resonated with me. The lyrics got to me and I just broke down and cried. I have held that song close to my heart ever since that day. As it ended, the car pulled away and off we drove. My face was soaked wet of tears. I still was and wasn't supposed to be pregnant. She...he...whatever IT was wasn't supposed to be here anymore and they still were. Now what? What do I do? What do we do? I couldn't think. I didn't want to think. Instead, I cried all the way home. But I did know one thing. The BD still hadn't said anything. I knew we would have to talk to one another when we got home. I knew we had to tell our parents, our family, our friends, what our next move was. I wasn't sure how to feel. I felt every single emotion at once. I felt sick but relieved because I still had the baby inside of me. It was safe and sound. And I knew that I didn't have to live with the regret of going through an abortion. But I knew there was going to be another decision that would have to make. And no matter what we decided, it was going to change our lives in different ways. I wanted to escape reality. My heart was numb. My brain was numb. It was an indescribable feeling. It felt like my whole life just unraveled before my eyes. I went back to staring at the raindrops.